We all love the Harry Potter books and films (and even a few of the games – for real, that Quidditch game for Gamecube was pretty rad) – but we still recognize they have one big flaw: Harry Potter, the character, sucks. He’s mostly just extremely lucky, all while he wastes time and screws up non-stop. So to reflect this, we decided to give more honest names to the Harry Potter books and films – and we think this makes things a lot clearer:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (or Sorcerer’s Stone, if that’s your thing)
Sure, Harry Potter is the supposed “chosen one”, but what does he actually do for himself?
- His mom sacrifices her life to protect him (although to be fair, it’s not like he coulda done anything as a baby)
- Hagrid rescues him from the Dursleys
- He finds out he’s just super rich without having to do anything
- He completely screws up and misidentifies Snape as the evil teacher
- The Mirror of Erised pretty much just HANDS Harry the Philosopher’s Stone without him really doing anything
- The only reason he got that far anyways is thanks to the quick thinking and sacrifices of Ron and Hermione
- He beats Quirrell by having his skin just automatically burn him – Harry doesn’t even really know how to fight back or do anything proactively.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry’s lucky streak continues in the Chamber of Secrets, where
- The Weasleys rescue Harry from the Dursleys
- Harry finds out he can just automatically speak Parseltongue without having to do any learning or work or anything
- Hermione’s the one who figures out the Polyjuice Potion
- Instead of doing anything to combat Professor Lockhart, Harry gets super lucky that he just happened to pick up Ron’s messed up wand and gives himself Magical Dementia
- Harry gets insanely lucky that Fawkes flies in and just, like, HANDS him the Sword of Gryffindor
- Harry does manage to fight the Basilisk on his own, but is saved once again by Fawkes (when the tear heals him)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
When all appears to be lost, HARRY IS JUST HANDED A TIME TRAVEL DEVICE. COME ON.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
First off, it is INSANE how convoluted Voldemort and Barty Crouch Jr.’s scheme is – and even more insane how Harry manages to fall right into it.
- Harry has someone else put his name into the Goblet of Fire because DUH he’s not worthy at all
- Harry can’t really figure out ANY of the tasks on his own, and it is only through the manipulation and constant assistance of Crouch Jr. that he makes it through any of them (I know this is the point of the trap, but it really draws into focus how ill-equipped Harry is for everything)
- Harry gets super lucky that Voldemort’s wand doesn’t work against him, and is somehow able to escape a graveyard full of Magic Nazis WHILE CARRYING A DEAD BODY
- He falls into ANOTHER trap (going away alone with Mad Eye Moody) and is saved by Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry is so bad at everything, it’s INSANE.
- His ONE TASK this time around is to focus and learn Occlumency to protect his mind from Lord Voldemort – aka MAGIC HITLER. That’s the ONE THING he’s supposed to do…and he never does it. He never even really tries. And, as a result, he falls into ANOTHER trap, where Sirius Black dies and all of his friends are nearly killed.
- Hermione’s cleverness is what saves Harry from Umbridge
- Oh yeah – Harry doesn’t even get to be the one who smashes the prophecy to keep it from the Death Eaters – Neville is (Neville is a more proactive, skilled character than Harry ever is)
- Dumbledore saves Harry from Voldemort, because Harry sucks at everything
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry fracking Potter:
- The idiot who spends an entire year sorta looking into a mystery about a “Half-Blood Prince” and never figures it out or even comes CLOSE
- Even though he suspected Draco of bad things for the whole year, he’s unable to stop the thing Draco was ACTUALLY up to (Harry is incredibly bad at investigating anything)
- Oh yeah, he also spent most of the year being horny for his best friend’s LITTLE SISTER, which is a DICK MOVE, BRO.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I do not get why Harry Potter is the main character of these books and not Neville Longbottom. Neville’s the one who actually works hard, tries to improve himself, has the odds stacked against him, has no one who really praises him or believes in him, and is dealing with REAL pain (seeing his parents in their states of catatonic shock vs. knowing your parents died stopping Magic Hitler and imbuing you with magic protection). And while Harry does a solid job at tracking down the Horcruxes, it’s the ending that seals the deal:
- Harry gets killed pretty easily – but then finds out he gets an extra life because HE was a Horcrux
- He literally plays possum and PRETENDS to be dead instead of doing something about the final Horcrux – Voldemort’s snake, Nagini
- Who kills Nagini? Who confronts Voldemort when he is at his most arrogant? NEVILLE FUCKING LONGBOTTOM, WHO STANDS UP TO MAGIC HITLER AND SLICES HIS SNAKE UP WITH A DAMN SWORD.
- And how does Harry Potter finally defeat his mortal enemy in their final battle? HE DOESN’T. Voldemort mistook the chain of custody of the wand he had, which caused it to shoot back and kill him. It’s the equivalent of him holding a gun and accidentally aiming it backwards. Harry barely does ANYTHING.
In short, I hope someone remakes all of these movies, but starring Neville.